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A bit of an oxymoron, I suppose. But I don't really know how else to describe last weekend. Something has fundamentally changed for me. I know that it has been building for a while - probably a very long while, even though I have only been really aware of this "something" gathering steam since January. I know only a little about it - but it is enough to have me completly worked up inside and sent my mind racing to the far corners of the Universe in search of things.
As far as weekends go, it was pretty uneventful and even a little disappointing.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fyreseer and I drove to KC Thursday night - we left home around 6 and got into the hotel in KC around 2:30. Long trip.
Friday we met with one offyreseer's mentors, Oloya, for a few hours. Well, Fyre met with her, and had a session with her. I just met her - and her brother, Osa. More about them later.
We were supposed to have dinner with Fyre's parents, but they called and bowed out, so we ended up wandering around looking for a place to eat and ended up at this charming litle Italian place called Gia's on Southwest Boulevard. I had lasagna with meat sauce, Fyre had shrimp scampi and we split a fantastic spinach salad with currants, pine nuts and gorgonzola crumbles in some sort of citrus/berry vinaigrette. Fabulous food - and way too much of it; we ended up taking bunches back to the hotel (fortunately Homestead Inn & Suties, in addition to being extremely affordable at ~$30/night, has a kitchenette with a refrigerator). After dinner we ended up swinging by Balanca's for a few drinks and listened to a decent blues band. We didn't stay too, 'cause we were both still tired from the drive on Thursday.
Saturday for me was spent pretty much doing nothing. Fyre saw a few clients at the shop (Crescent Springs in OP). I hung out at the hotel room, shaved my head, watched a little bit of The Wedding Singer and surfed the web.
After Fyre finished up around 2:30, we ran a few errands and dropped by Aquarius & Vulcan's Forge. This was the first time we had been in their new space - and it's a really fantastic space: a whole lot more room and better parking - really great. I've always loved his jewelry, and we've bought more than a few things from him, both from the store and out at renfest. This time was no exception. One of the ladies was wearing a fantastic piece, and Fyre complimented her on it. Come to find out, she was just wearing it to show it off - and I knew when Fyre tried it on that it was hers. It's a gorgeous piece of amber, slightly teardrop shaped with lots of flecks and fireworks inside it. The setting is a beautifully crafted cradle of lilies and vines attached to a somewhat intricate chain - all in silver.
We had dinner with R, a close friend with whom I have done quite a bit of freelance work - ironically all after we moved away from KC. Another fantastic meal: roasted lamb chops, wilted chard, goat cheese mashed with chopped fresh herbs, great northern bean soup, fresh crusty bread and a little wine, followed up with a homemade cherry scone for dessert. Very simple, very satisfying and unbelievably good. We always have such good conversations, too. I could really get used to that.
We had planned on heading back down to Balanca's, as Saturday tends to be the more "happening" night of the weekend. But we were both tired and pleasantly satiated from our evening with R, so we wobbled back to the hotel and crashed.
Sunday was the disappointment. As I mentioned in a previous post,fyreseer was to give a preview of her women's empowerment series. She had several RSVPs and had talked to a bunch of people who had said they would come. Only 2 people showed up - they were both friends of Fyre's who have already done the process and were there primarily for support. Very disappointing. But, it's not the end - the first weekend of the series doesn't start until June, so she will be doing another preview sometime in April. I'll post more when things get firmed up.
Perhaps the best thing to come out of the no-shows was that we were able to get on the road earlier. Instead of leaving around 5, like we thought we might, we got out by around 3:30. Fyre drove most of the way, so we made it home a little after 11. Despite our size difference, her foot is a good deal heavier than mine. *hehehe*
But something had shifted in me already by Friday afternoon. I think a lot of it had to do with meeting Oloya and Osa. Fyre has talked about them all the time since she first met them last year - about how fantastic they were and their energy and their work and how much they had impacted her. I was pretty much just like, "Ok, cool. I'm happy that these people have had such a positive impact," but it really didn't affect me much at all.
Meeting them was fine - they're very nice and look just like normal people - it was pretty uneventful. We exchanged hugs and nice-to-finally-meet-yous and Fyre and Oloya went back into the back for their session. Osa and I shared a little small talk when we first met, but then he wandered into the back of the shop and was off doing his own thing. I was pretty much left alone, and I just kind of sat there and zoned out. Fyre's session probably went about an hour or so, maybe a bit longer. When she finished we said our goodbyes and left.
But something happened there. I don't know what; I don't know how; but something changed in me. As I sat there zoning out trying just to be still and silent, images were coming into focus in my head. Images of me and what I was supposed to be doing. Things that had been tickling my mind for years were taking root and finally coming into clear line of sight. And they didn't just disappear when I came back around and we left. They have stayed in focus.
I have always felt that I should be a teacher of some sort. And even though I had assumed I might teach something like English or Computers or Science or some other academic subject "some day", I was never drawn to an educational curriculum in school. And now I don't think that I was ever meant to be a scholastic teacher, at least not primarily.
I saw myself - more clearly than I ever have before - doing the same type of teaching and leading and sharing that Fyre is starting to do now: building community, expanding spiritual understanding and consciousness, helping people to discover themselves, their purpose and their path.
There is a part of me that has been sitting off to the side with wide-eyed, slack-jawed disbelief that I am uttering these words "out loud." Spirituality has always been (well, up to very recently, anyway) been something that was personal and private. I disliked the public rituals and teachings of Catholicism (or any organized religion, for that matter) because of the hypocrisy and anachronistic thinking I saw there. I so utterly disagreed with the guilt and "original sin" and the "baseness of humanity" that spewed forth from the church. So I turned that part off. I bottled it up and put it on a shelf where I could find it if I should need it, but where it wasn't in the way of anything else. It's easy to see how this part of me reacts with disbelief that I would ever consider such a role for myself.
There is a part of me that is scared shitless by this - I am not a "spotlight" type person. I prefer to be in the background, making things run smoothly and easily for everyone else. I'm not the one to get up and lead the show, take the heat and the credit and be noticed. I've talked about that before, too. My difficulties in letting go of the strict control I tend to maintain are based a lot in this fear of the spotlight - this fear that I might be noticed or stand out or possibly look foolish.
Along with that are the feelings of unworthiness and that lack of self-confidence. What do I have to offer? Why would someone turn to me for knowledge or advice or guidance in this arena? I feel like I am still so close to the beginning of my own path, how could I possibly have anything that someone else can use? How can I stand up in front of others and explain even those things that I do understand when I feel that I haven't been able to apply them in my own life yet. Can the student be the teacher?
I realize that I am getting way ahead of myself, but that is my analytical mind taking hold and worrying about all the mundane minutiae: I know there is lots of studying and training and learning and apprenticing I have to do; how am I going to afford it? What on Earth would I teach? Who would I teach? How would I teach it?
So many questions. My mind has been spinning with it all.fyreseer and I talked about it tonight some. I can see that there is a part of her that is saying, "It's about damn time you saw this!" She said that she already knew what I was saying - not only from the perspective that she has been in the same place I am now, but that she has seen me in this role. She has mentioned it to me before, and while I do believe what she had said, I'd always figured she was putting more into it. This is the first time I have seen it myself. It's the first time I have felt drawn to it with more than a passing interest.
There is a true desire in me now - it's almost a longing, an emptiness that is yearning to be filled. It almost leaves me breathless; if I step back let my mind just start running with it - my heart starts racing right along with my mind. I have to very consciously stop and reel it in and try to put some sort of reins on myself or I will just frazzle.
I don't know what my first step should be. And that is what I need to figure out. I know pretty well where I am now, and I am now seeing with relative clarity what I am aiming for - but I know that I have to let the final definition of what I become develop on it's own; I can't force it. But of course, I want to just *poof* magically will myself directly there and get on with it! I know that there are many steps and lots of work in between - and that is what I am having a hard time making out right now.
As far as weekends go, it was pretty uneventful and even a little disappointing.
fyreseer and I drove to KC Thursday night - we left home around 6 and got into the hotel in KC around 2:30. Long trip.Friday we met with one of
fyreseer's mentors, Oloya, for a few hours. Well, Fyre met with her, and had a session with her. I just met her - and her brother, Osa. More about them later.We were supposed to have dinner with Fyre's parents, but they called and bowed out, so we ended up wandering around looking for a place to eat and ended up at this charming litle Italian place called Gia's on Southwest Boulevard. I had lasagna with meat sauce, Fyre had shrimp scampi and we split a fantastic spinach salad with currants, pine nuts and gorgonzola crumbles in some sort of citrus/berry vinaigrette. Fabulous food - and way too much of it; we ended up taking bunches back to the hotel (fortunately Homestead Inn & Suties, in addition to being extremely affordable at ~$30/night, has a kitchenette with a refrigerator). After dinner we ended up swinging by Balanca's for a few drinks and listened to a decent blues band. We didn't stay too, 'cause we were both still tired from the drive on Thursday.
Saturday for me was spent pretty much doing nothing. Fyre saw a few clients at the shop (Crescent Springs in OP). I hung out at the hotel room, shaved my head, watched a little bit of The Wedding Singer and surfed the web.
After Fyre finished up around 2:30, we ran a few errands and dropped by Aquarius & Vulcan's Forge. This was the first time we had been in their new space - and it's a really fantastic space: a whole lot more room and better parking - really great. I've always loved his jewelry, and we've bought more than a few things from him, both from the store and out at renfest. This time was no exception. One of the ladies was wearing a fantastic piece, and Fyre complimented her on it. Come to find out, she was just wearing it to show it off - and I knew when Fyre tried it on that it was hers. It's a gorgeous piece of amber, slightly teardrop shaped with lots of flecks and fireworks inside it. The setting is a beautifully crafted cradle of lilies and vines attached to a somewhat intricate chain - all in silver.
We had dinner with R, a close friend with whom I have done quite a bit of freelance work - ironically all after we moved away from KC. Another fantastic meal: roasted lamb chops, wilted chard, goat cheese mashed with chopped fresh herbs, great northern bean soup, fresh crusty bread and a little wine, followed up with a homemade cherry scone for dessert. Very simple, very satisfying and unbelievably good. We always have such good conversations, too. I could really get used to that.
We had planned on heading back down to Balanca's, as Saturday tends to be the more "happening" night of the weekend. But we were both tired and pleasantly satiated from our evening with R, so we wobbled back to the hotel and crashed.
Sunday was the disappointment. As I mentioned in a previous post,
fyreseer was to give a preview of her women's empowerment series. She had several RSVPs and had talked to a bunch of people who had said they would come. Only 2 people showed up - they were both friends of Fyre's who have already done the process and were there primarily for support. Very disappointing. But, it's not the end - the first weekend of the series doesn't start until June, so she will be doing another preview sometime in April. I'll post more when things get firmed up.Perhaps the best thing to come out of the no-shows was that we were able to get on the road earlier. Instead of leaving around 5, like we thought we might, we got out by around 3:30. Fyre drove most of the way, so we made it home a little after 11. Despite our size difference, her foot is a good deal heavier than mine. *hehehe*
But something had shifted in me already by Friday afternoon. I think a lot of it had to do with meeting Oloya and Osa. Fyre has talked about them all the time since she first met them last year - about how fantastic they were and their energy and their work and how much they had impacted her. I was pretty much just like, "Ok, cool. I'm happy that these people have had such a positive impact," but it really didn't affect me much at all.
Meeting them was fine - they're very nice and look just like normal people - it was pretty uneventful. We exchanged hugs and nice-to-finally-meet-yous and Fyre and Oloya went back into the back for their session. Osa and I shared a little small talk when we first met, but then he wandered into the back of the shop and was off doing his own thing. I was pretty much left alone, and I just kind of sat there and zoned out. Fyre's session probably went about an hour or so, maybe a bit longer. When she finished we said our goodbyes and left.
But something happened there. I don't know what; I don't know how; but something changed in me. As I sat there zoning out trying just to be still and silent, images were coming into focus in my head. Images of me and what I was supposed to be doing. Things that had been tickling my mind for years were taking root and finally coming into clear line of sight. And they didn't just disappear when I came back around and we left. They have stayed in focus.
I have always felt that I should be a teacher of some sort. And even though I had assumed I might teach something like English or Computers or Science or some other academic subject "some day", I was never drawn to an educational curriculum in school. And now I don't think that I was ever meant to be a scholastic teacher, at least not primarily.
I saw myself - more clearly than I ever have before - doing the same type of teaching and leading and sharing that Fyre is starting to do now: building community, expanding spiritual understanding and consciousness, helping people to discover themselves, their purpose and their path.
There is a part of me that has been sitting off to the side with wide-eyed, slack-jawed disbelief that I am uttering these words "out loud." Spirituality has always been (well, up to very recently, anyway) been something that was personal and private. I disliked the public rituals and teachings of Catholicism (or any organized religion, for that matter) because of the hypocrisy and anachronistic thinking I saw there. I so utterly disagreed with the guilt and "original sin" and the "baseness of humanity" that spewed forth from the church. So I turned that part off. I bottled it up and put it on a shelf where I could find it if I should need it, but where it wasn't in the way of anything else. It's easy to see how this part of me reacts with disbelief that I would ever consider such a role for myself.
There is a part of me that is scared shitless by this - I am not a "spotlight" type person. I prefer to be in the background, making things run smoothly and easily for everyone else. I'm not the one to get up and lead the show, take the heat and the credit and be noticed. I've talked about that before, too. My difficulties in letting go of the strict control I tend to maintain are based a lot in this fear of the spotlight - this fear that I might be noticed or stand out or possibly look foolish.
Along with that are the feelings of unworthiness and that lack of self-confidence. What do I have to offer? Why would someone turn to me for knowledge or advice or guidance in this arena? I feel like I am still so close to the beginning of my own path, how could I possibly have anything that someone else can use? How can I stand up in front of others and explain even those things that I do understand when I feel that I haven't been able to apply them in my own life yet. Can the student be the teacher?
I realize that I am getting way ahead of myself, but that is my analytical mind taking hold and worrying about all the mundane minutiae: I know there is lots of studying and training and learning and apprenticing I have to do; how am I going to afford it? What on Earth would I teach? Who would I teach? How would I teach it?
So many questions. My mind has been spinning with it all.
fyreseer and I talked about it tonight some. I can see that there is a part of her that is saying, "It's about damn time you saw this!" She said that she already knew what I was saying - not only from the perspective that she has been in the same place I am now, but that she has seen me in this role. She has mentioned it to me before, and while I do believe what she had said, I'd always figured she was putting more into it. This is the first time I have seen it myself. It's the first time I have felt drawn to it with more than a passing interest.There is a true desire in me now - it's almost a longing, an emptiness that is yearning to be filled. It almost leaves me breathless; if I step back let my mind just start running with it - my heart starts racing right along with my mind. I have to very consciously stop and reel it in and try to put some sort of reins on myself or I will just frazzle.
I don't know what my first step should be. And that is what I need to figure out. I know pretty well where I am now, and I am now seeing with relative clarity what I am aiming for - but I know that I have to let the final definition of what I become develop on it's own; I can't force it. But of course, I want to just *poof* magically will myself directly there and get on with it! I know that there are many steps and lots of work in between - and that is what I am having a hard time making out right now.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-22 01:28 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-03-22 05:20 pm (UTC)From:While I understand that part of the process may very well be the uncertainty and that I need to be open and receptive to what is brought my way, I know that I don't want to be sitting by passively letting things happen. I have spent too much of my life doing that already and have worked very hard over the last 3 or 4 years at trying to break myself of those shy, passive, indecisive habits.
Would you have some time that we could talk? I'd love to hear your insight and guidance. Star, I have no idea if you know how much I love and respect you. You have been such a huge presence in my life and have helped me find my way countless times. I feel like I have known you forever instead of the few short years it has been - I trust you more than anyone else beside my wife.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-23 04:04 am (UTC)From:We can always set up time to talk, I love to talk and talking with you would be an extra bonus!
I finished work tonight at 8:30 and then made dinner and now am trying to get caught up on phone and email...we may have to schedule this for the weekend when free time is a little more abundant :)
So...email me!
no subject
Date: 2005-03-22 04:56 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-03-22 05:28 pm (UTC)From:I am currently reading three different books that are more or less spiritual in bent about just this sort of thing: finding your "purpose" and living it. Of course, in the books it all sounds so simple. LOL!
And I will definitely be seeking out counsel from those who have given me guidance before and I am sure that there will be many more teachers along my path.
And you're right... I do tend to avoid Christian bookstores, but I am not opposed to them. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the values that my Catholic upbringing instilled in me. It isn't the message that bothers me, it's the medium and the method. Ok, well some of the messages bother me, but not as a general rule.